Pump... And Dump

Today I stood at the sink and watched lots of hard agonizing work being swept down the drain.  We had a freezer full of breast milk from march and April- these were from the days I felt tied to the pump, the days I felt like all I did was pump and feed the babies.  Looking back, those days are all a blur now. I don't remember details, but I do remember those first weeks being hard.  There may have been other ways for us to do it... I could have tried breastfeeding them both a little longer.  But we felt it would be too hard, and Tim wanted (bless him) to help feed them when he was home.  I could have just not given them breast milk at all, but I wanted to try.  I remember hooking myself up to the machine at 1:00 in the morning while I was simultaneously feeding one of the babies with a bottle of milk I had pumped earlier, trying to keep my eyes open because I was so exhausted.  I remember sitting on the couch, in between both infants in boppy pillows, pumping just before I took turns feeding them both because I was home by myself while Tim was at work.  I remember the hardest day ever, when Graham screamed all day long and I decided it was time to try a day of only formula to see if that would help.  I remember how grateful I was that the next day Graham seemed better, and being so thankful that Kennedy was so patient with both of us.  The bittersweet feeling when we decided to go to all formula (I wouldn't have to pump anymore!  but I wouldn't get to feed them breast milk anymore either)  I'd fed them with my milk for 7 weeks. So while I weaned myself off the pump, we saved all of the milk and stored it, hoping once Graham's stomach issues were better we could start incorporating my milk into their food again.

I felt like I was letting them down since I couldn't feed them with my own milk anymore, but I kept telling myself it was best for them AND me.  And they'd gotten the benefits of 7 weeks, after all!  But I was torn- freedom and feeling like a bad mom.  Anyway, into the freezer it all went.  When they started eating veggies and fruits, we added some of the frozen milk to their food, and it was good... until November 24.  That was the day before Thanksgiving when I went with Graham to the Urgent Care Center.  We don't know where he got the bug that laid him low for over 48 hours, but a few weeks later Kennedy came down with the same symptoms.  By this time, the milk in the freezer was over 6 months old and could have been the underlying cause of them getting sick, so we made a decision to dump it. 

I had tears in my eyes and I dumped over 135 ounces of milk down the drain.  The babies eat about 25 ounces of formula a day, so that is more than 2 DAYS WORTH OF MILK!  Not only that, they are no longer true infant babies- they are so independent and don't need me anymore!  Well, at least not for my milk anyway. 

But there's no use in crying over spilled dumped milk.